


Living the Dream

by Lynds



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fae, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Body Swap, Changelings, Credence Barebone Needs a Hug, Fae & Fairies, Fae Magic, Feminist Themes, Gellert is a misogynistic ass, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Maledictus Needs a Hug, Original Percival Graves Needs a Hug, Sisters, Sort Of, Tina and Queenie are so done with your shit, Who's surprised?, bamf credence, different sort of magic, freaky friday style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-09 19:26:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14722154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynds/pseuds/Lynds
Summary: Tina and Queenie meet one night to celebrate Tina's promotion, and wake up in each other's bodies. What the hell kind of trick is the universe playing on them?!





	1. Gellert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on a conversation I had with one of my best friends. I'm married with 2 kids, my own business and a house in the countryside. She works on Regent Street, just bought her first flat in London, has 2 cats and travels out of the country at least twice a year. If we were in a shitty rom-com, we'd both be jealous of each other and want the opportunity to live each others' life. Why do rom-coms always assume women are going to be jealous of each other?! Anyway, my friend and I both agreed that we'd go nuts if someone pulled a Freaky Friday on us, and thus, this fic was born!

“You’re living the dream, honey,” said a woman’s voice, and Gellert’s ears pricked up, homing in on the conversation with all his fae senses. In an instant he was the bartender at the HoneyBee cocktail lounge, polishing a highball glass dry as the two women nursed their drinks, oblivious. He sniffed the air, his heterochromatic eyes fluttering shut. _Sisters_. Perfect.

The dark haired one wore a pant suit. Two phones in her pocket, minimal makeup, sensible flat shoes and cat hair on her jacket. He wasn’t listening to their words any more, but he’d bet his wings she was the classic career woman, working too hard, forgetting things like love and family for the sake of climbing the ladder at work. Delicious. These ‘career women’ were all the same, so highly strung when they break and realise they’ve overlooked the romantic potential in their partner, friend - even their boss - the bargain he could get out of her would keep him going for years.

The blonde woman was the exact opposite. Married, soft, dressed in pastels but with the ragged edge to her clothes and makeup that said she’d got at least two kids at home in the country, as well as a dog. This couldn’t get any better. The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse, their jealousy must have been off the charts! Blonde sister probably felt unfulfilled playing the good little wifey, brunette sister probably wanted her emotional security. 

“You’re welcome,” Gellert grinned at them, allowing his pointed teeth to just peek out of his lips as he sprinkled the slow acting spell into their new drinks. He didn’t even bother to watch them drink it. They’d find him when the time came. When they’d both had their fun and learned to miss the life they had.

He returned to the Court and let his body shrink into a more comfortable form, humming in satisfaction. He wondered how long they’d enjoy living as each other before they’d learn their lesson.


	2. Queenie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 short chapters today because I'm going to be away on Saturday and Sunday, I want to get this all posted before then! So from now on there'll be one chapter a day ^_^ I hope you enjoy!

Queenie groaned and stretched her arm out to turn off the alarm. Why the hell was it going off so early? The kids usually woke her up before… 

She sat up in a sudden panic. Where were the kids? 

Where the heck was _she?_

She was definitely not at home. Her heart pounding, she shoved the blanket away (not her flowery duvet) and climbed out of bed. The room was small, dark brown blinds drawn, turning it into a cozy cave. Nothing like the light and airy work-in-progress she loved so much. She tugged the sash with trembling fingers and clapped her hand over her mouth. Skyscrapers, steel and glass, traffic. She was still in the city!

She sat down and took deep breaths, covering her face. She remembered taking the train home last night! Sure, she’d been tired, but she _remembered_ giving Credence a kiss on the cheek as she said goodbye, and thanks for babysitting. She remembered checking on the kids.

The thought of Levi and Rachel hit her like a punch to the gut and she sobbed. Where were they? Had she been kidnapped? Were they alone? Oh God…

Her phone rang - no, not her phone, but… her jaw dropped open. The call on it was apparently coming _from herself._

She slid the screen and held it to her ear. “H- hello?”

“Queenie?”

She gulped, trying to be brave. “Who is this?”

“It’s me, Tina.”

She frowned, not willing to collapse into relief just yet. “You sound—”

“Have you looked in a mirror, Queenie?” Her voice sounded almost hysterical, and also, not like her at all. “Please…” her voice broke. “Please just… look, OK?”

She stood and padded over to the mirror. And dropped the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't fit it in this chapter naturally (it's mentioned in a later chapter) but Jacob's away from home visiting his mum. I didn't want Tina to wake up next to him lol! I just didn't want to get into that whole conversation and it would have interfered with later interactions. So sadly my lovely Jacob won't be appearing in the fic :(


	3. Tina

“Queenie?” Tina winced as the connection thumped and squealed, and pressed the phone back to her ear. “Queenie!”

She backed away from the bathroom mirror and sat on the edge of the bath, pressing her hand to her mouth. She couldn’t panic, she couldn’t. Her niece and nephew were in the next room and she’d already worried them enough.

“Teenie?” Queenie’s voice… which actually wasn’t even her voice, and how _fucked up_ was all this? Queenie sounded like she was just as close to tears as Tina felt. “What’s going on?”

She held her left hand out in front of her, short, unbitten fingernails painted a soft pink. “I think we’ve swapped bodies.”

Queenie let out a rush of breath. “But _why?_ How did this… this can’t be possible! Oh God, Tina, I need to get the kids to school, I can’t be in Harlem!”

Tina’s back straightened at the sound of her little sister’s panic. “OK, calm down. Tell me what to do.”

She did some more breathing exercises. “OK. OK, listen. The kids can get themselves dressed, but it takes them a good half hour to get motivated. They’ll need about five reminders. If they mess you about, count down from five, if you get to zero they get time out. Put them on the step for the same number of minutes as their age, and ignore them no matter how much they holler. Just tell them why they’ve got a time out at the start, then leave them. Only if they get up, then put them back and start the timer again. At the end, talk to them about your expectations and what they need to change, but give them a cuddle too. Levi needs help with his buttons, Rachel may _not_ wear her Darth Vader costume, and remind her she’s got gym today. They can have cereal, toast or fruit for breakfast. Levi needs his teeth brushed, Rachel can do her own. Then you need to leave the house at eight forty five to get to school - Rachel knows the way, and she always runs ahead…”

Tina’s heart sank as Queenie talked. She loved her niece and nephew, they were abnormally sweet and good for children, but she didn’t have the kind of patience for this. All this routine and being aware of every word, knowing your ability to be calm and consistent affected a growing mind? No thank you! Tina thrived on change and split second decisions and—

“Oh God, Queenie, you can’t be a detective!”

Queenie cut herself off and whimpered. “Oh, damn.”

“You could pass for me, but Queens, you can’t have my gun! Promise me! You have to call in sick.”

“But your promotion!”

Tina felt it like a stabbing pain. She’d worked so hard to make detective and it was only her second day! She couldn’t bear it if… but Queenie’s safety was more important. She didn’t know any of the procedures and while she’d probably be some sort of prodigy at interrogations, Tina couldn’t risk her getting called out on an active case and getting hurt. Or even, for that matter, ruining an investigation because she didn’t follow procedure. ‘It’s OK,” she said, forcing herself to smile. “Maybe it’s just one day. Maybe we’ll be back to normal by tomorrow.”


	4. Queenie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Percival Graves!

Queenie scrolled through Tina's contacts list and took a deep breath before pressing her boss’ number. Tina’s brand new, scarily intimidating, have-to-impress-him boss. Damn, she hoped she wasn’t going to screw things up for Tina.

The line clicked. “Percival Graves speaking.”

“Oh! Hi! Um. This is T-Tina Goldstein.”

“Yes,” he said, drawing the word out slightly. “I have caller ID.”

“Oh, gosh, of course. Sorry.” She cleared her throat. “Um, I’m so sorry about this but I’ve… I’ve come down with a tummy bug. I’m afraid I won’t be able to come in today, I’m so, so sorry? I don’t want you to think that I don’t take this job seriously, I absolutely—“

“Detective Goldstein,” he chuckled, his voice deep and honey smooth. “It’s not a problem. Your health is more important.” He seemed uncertain about his next words. “Goldstein… are you sure you’re OK? Beyond the, uh… the ‘tummy bug’?”

Queenie could _hear_ the air quotes falling into place and winced. “Ahhh, yeah. Yeah, I’m totally sure, just dandy. Apart from the thing!”

“OK, well…”

“Thank you so much for your understanding goodbye!” she babbled, and hung up the phone before she really screwed this up. She raised her feet up onto the seat and groaned, banging her forehead against her knees.

She leaned against the window and stared out over New York. The traffic crawled through the streets below her, helicopters buzzing overhead. Just looking at it was exhausting. She didn’t know how Tina dealt with it every day. She loved the odd visit, the adrenaline rush of the crowded streets and confusing crosswalks, the convenience of everything being so close, all the choices. But twenty four hours was more than enough to have her pining after her rose garden, the cherry trees lining the footpath, the little stream that ran through the woods where she took Millie the spaniel for her walk.

Queenie loved her life. She loved to take her turn waking up at four in the morning to start the bakery ovens. She loved the small town in all its goldfish-bowl-nosiness. She loved the countryside. She adored Jacob. And her babies, oh, God, her babies! Her heart shied away from thoughts of them, it was just too much!

She didn’t understand why the universe would play such a cruel trick on them. She’d just been saying last night how wonderful it was that she and Tina could be so different, have such different goals in life, and still have achieved their dreams by their early thirties. She remembered Tina toasting luck, toasting feminism for giving people the freedom to choose. Why had it been taken away? She’d tried so hard to live gratefully, not take it all for granted.

The doorbell rang, and Queenie startled, dropping Tina’s phone on the carpet. She took a deep breath and went to open the door, almost tripping on Tina’s cat, who was standing right outside the bedroom door. “Sorry, puss,” she murmured. She couldn’t for the life of her remember its name. The cat snapped its eyes to her mid-miaow, then hissed and puffed itself up, arching its back. “Great,” Queenie muttered.

A handsome middle aged man stood at the door, a long black trench coat swirling around his calves as he turned. “NYPD, ma’am,” he said, his voice dry.

Queenie bit her lip. What would the cops want with her sister? Her _cop_ sister? “May I see some ID please, officer?”

The man’s eyes hardened, and in one swift move his gun was in his hand, pointing straight at her head, and she screamed. 

“Who are you and what have you done with Goldstein?” he growled.

Queenie whimpered, her hands shaking as she backed up. “I don’t know! I swear!”

“Who are you?”

“Q-Queenie Kowalski, sir! Please, please don’t shoot! I’ve got kids.”

The officer lowered his gun slightly and aimed just to the side. Queenie almost collapsed in relief. “Explain,” he snapped.

“Sir, I don’t know how much I can explain. I came to visit Teenie yesterday, I got the train home last night - I _know_ I did! And… and then I woke up here, I don’t know how! I know it sounds crazy, but she’s in my house too. We… we seem to have swapped bodies and I know - I _know_ it sounds crazy but I _swear_ it’s the truth.”

She barely believed herself, the story was insane, but he suddenly looked very tired and tucked his gun away. “I was afraid it would be something like this,” he sighed. “I’m sorry for scaring you, Ms Kowalski. Percival Graves.”

“Y-you’re Teenie’s boss?”

He gave a stiff nod.

“And… and you believe me?”

He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Let’s say I’ve had experience with this kind of thing before.”

She gaped at him. “You gotta be kidding me!”

“I wish I was,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “Now, how about you get dressed. I’ll make some calls and we’ll sort this out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this make sense? That Graves is suspicious so he turns up at Tina's door? When he says 'NYPD, ma'am,' he's expecting her to laugh and invite him in - or he's hoping she will - and so when she doesn't he KNOWS there's been a body swap. I couldn't figure out a way to make that clearer ;_;


	5. Tina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's possible everyone knows about fairies except the sisters...

Children were absolutely not meant to be this perceptive. It was creeping Tina out, and also hurting her heart more than a little.

“Are you sure you’re not mad at us?” Rachel whispered as they walked to school. Both kids were clinging to her hands, peering up at her out of big eyes.

“Of course not!” she said. “Why would you think that?”

Rachel’s eyes looked worryingly damp. “You look so sad and disappointed.”

“Are you missing Daddy?” Levi asked. “I miss him too, it’s OK. He’ll be home real soon.”

“Yeah,” she said quickly, kneeling down to their level. “You got me. I miss Daddy a lot.”

Levi and Rachel went straight in for a cuddle, knocking her off balance so she had to plant one hand on the sidewalk. “Woah, there, monsters. C’mon. We’ll be late for school.”

She had a headache by the time she left the playground, excited screams ringing in her ears. How we children _so loud?_ The parents seemed completely unconcerned, talking over their half-pint offspring that ran around, weaving between everyone’s legs. The parents just seemed to dodge instinctively. Tina, on the other hand, had been head-butted in the hip by one child who went off howling to his mother. 

And all the people who stopped to talk to her! How did Queenie cope? Every single one of them noticed she was ‘off’ somehow, but they all assumed she was missing Jacob, off visiting his poorly mom. Four women had even asked, quietly, if she’d passed away based on Tina’s expression! She really needed to learn how Queenie did her makeup…

She used google maps to find her way to the bakery, then took a deep breath before pushing the door open. A tall boy with closely cropped black hair startled slightly, and looked up with a small smile. “Morning, Miss Queenie.”

She smiled a greeting, and he frowned slightly. She braced herself for the inevitable questions, but he just snapped his mouth shut, and turned back to the counter. “Hey, Mal, c’mere.”

Tina stripped Queenie’s pink coat off, hanging it on the rack by the door. She turned, and jumped out of her skin. “Jesus fuck!”

The boy stood a bare foot away from her, jaw jutting, eyebrows drawn down. His slouch had turned into a raven’s hunch and his chocolate brown eyes blazed with ferocity. Beside him, a small Asian girl with blue streaks in her hair stood, shifting from foot to foot. “T-that’s not Miss Queenie, Cree.”

“I know, Mal.” He loomed over Tina. “What’ve you done with her?”

“I don’t—“

“I’ve got salt and iron filings,” Mal said, fear pitching her voice high. “You b-better start talking, fairy.”

“Fairy? What the hell?”

Cree held a vicious looking toasting fork inches from her neck, its handle wrapped in a tea towel. Tina froze. “OK, OK, woah!”

“Talk, or I brand you.”

“Fucking OK, Jesus, chill!” Tina held her hands up in surrender. It only made them more tense. “I’m Tina Goldstein. I…” She took a deep breath. “I know it sounds crazy. I think Queenie and I have swapped bodies. She’s my sister. I spoke to her this morning, I swear she’s fine. You can call her… but, uh, she’ll sound different.”

Cree lowered the fork. Mal looked between him and Tina, still obviously scared. “How do we know she’s not lying?”

“Touch the iron,” Cree said, gesturing with the fork. “Just your little finger.”

Tina shrugged and touched the fork with her fingertip. “Ow!” As she pulled away, a red welt raised on her skin. “Fuck, have you heated that thing?”

The kids looked at each other, but seemed to relax. “It’s pure iron,” said Cree. “If a real fairy touches it, it’ll be like their blood has caught fire. And the more contact a human has with them…” He bit his lip and held out his hand. An horrific scar in the shape of a crucifix was seared into his palm.

Tina’s eyes widened. “What…” She shook her head and laughed. “No, this is bullshit. Fairies and body swapping? I am a detective in the fucking NYPD, this is not a goddamn fairy tale. I don’t know what’s up with you two emo kids but you’re not in an episode of Supernatural.”

“Hey,” said Cree, sliding the fork back into a leather sheath. “You’re the one who swapped bodies with our boss. Believe it or not, this is fae magic, the mild burn from the iron proves it.”

“Oh, and what are you, the hair dye fairies?”

“We’re changelings,” said Mal, her voice still soft and nervous as a bird.

Cree’s jaw muscles bunched up as he nodded. “We spent so much time there it’s easy to spot the magic. We can see the trace of glamour on your skin.”

“But why?” Tina burst out. “Why the hell body swap me and Queenie?”

“It must have been to set up a deal,” Mal said, looking at Cree for validation. Cree just snorted and went back to scowling at the counter he was cleaning. 

“What… so I have to give them something to get my own life back? How? What?”

Cree shook his head. “It’s not like a ransom, that’s not how they work. They wouldn’t waste their time or energy unless they were going to get something both ways, it had to have been a sort of bargain right from the start. On some level, you have to have wanted the body swap.”

“What?” she shrieked. “On what fucking level? This is the last thing I… I had my life right where I wanted it, and so did Queenie!”

Cree frowned, and his hands froze. He looked up at Mal, who stared back at him, her mouth slightly open. “That’s… not right.”

“Yeah, you’re damn straight it’s not! I don’t know what part of my mind they thought they were reading, but it sure as hell wasn’t the ‘I’m so glad I live in the city and don’t have kids’ part!”

“Fairies can’t read minds,” said Mal softly. “It’s how they can be tricked. It will have been… something you said, or…”

The three of them jumped as the little bell above the door tinkled. Tina did a double take to see _herself_ in the doorway and—

“Oh shit,” she moaned. “Captain Graves.”


	6. Queenie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that my timings are rubbish! I'm not sure what the deal is, I'm usually really anal about research, but it seems like my characters have the ability to teleport as well as everything else, the hell? I guess I've got too used to living in the UK which is tiny and everything is very close lol! Sorry, I hope you can forgive that for the sake of the plot?!

The moment Queenie walked through the door, Maledictus recognised her. Her big eyes widened even further than usual and she skipped over to her. “Queenie! It’s you, isn’t it?”

She nodded, blindsided, and returned the girl’s hug. She sighed when she saw Tina. “Did you even put my moisturiser on?”

Tina snorted. “You remember who you’re talking to?” She cocked her head on one side. “I don’t think I’ve looked that dolled up since the last time Newt and Abernathy dragged me out to a nightclub.” Then she bit her lip and glanced at Percival. “I… guess you’re wanting an explanation for all this, huh, sir?”

“He already knows,” snorted Credence. “He’s got a glamour trace on him too.”

Percival blinked at him. “I… are you…” he cleared his throat and fiddled with his hair. “You’re aware of the fae?”

Credence looked like he was going to say something cutting as usual, but a sideways glance at Percival seemed to take the wind out of his sails. Queenie’s matchmaker senses twanged, even in the wrong body, and she smirked as he just nodded.

“We’re changelings,” said Maledictus, putting her hand up in a little wave.

“Oh!” His eyebrows raised in worry. “Are you both safe, is everything…”

“We’re fine,” said Credence shortly. “We look after each other now.”

Percival seemed to hunch slightly. “I’m sorry.”

“Maledictus put her head on one side. “It wasn’t your fault, Mister.”

“I… yeah, I know, I just… I know changelings often have a rough time and I… I wish I could’ve helped earlier.”

Tina held up both hands, eyes screwed shut with a frown. “Wait. Captain, how do you know all this? Just… what’s going _on?_ Are you fae too?”

“No,” he said, pulling out a chair and sinking into it. “I made a bargain with one, years ago. I got screwed over.”

“Pretty standard for a fairy bargain,” said Credence. He brought over a tray of coffee and pastries, and Queenie turned the sign on the door to ‘closed’ before joining them.

Percival nodded and thanked Credence for the coffee, his eyes lingering a little. “Exactly. Well…” He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “When I was younger I… I followed my dad into the police force. I wanted to make him proud, so badly, but it all seemed to be taking so long. So when the opportunity arose, I made a deal. I’m hyper-observant. I can’t overlook a clue.” 

He shook his head, wrapping his hands around his coffee. “I paid with the ability to sleep for more than four hours a night, figured I’d be up late on the case all the time anyway. But… I guess I forgot down time. Now, whether there’s a case or not, four hours in twenty four is all I ever get. And… it affected my mood, my judgement - everything. I mean, I have ways fo dealing with it now, but…” 

He took a deep breath, then looked up at Tina, like he was apologising directly to her. “I fucked up. I got my partner killed in a raid.” He cleared his throat, the only sound in the silent room. “So instead of learning my lesson, I… I made another bargain. My life for hers, that’s what I said. well, I think they wanted to break me.” 

Credence and Mal nodded into their cups, eyes far away. 

“I think they found my arrogance amusing or something, because they… they brought her back as a fairy. And they took my life away from my father. He has no memory of me. He thinks I’m just another employee.”

The silence fell over the table again. Mall reached out a tentative hand and patted his arm. “I’m sorry to hear that, Mister.”

“Percival, please,” he said, tucking his grief behind a smile. “But listen to me, hijacking the situation with my sob stories! Tina, Queenie, we need to work out why your bodies were swapped.”

Tina cleared her throat, blinking suspiciously glassy eyes. “Well, Cree here was just telling me that they can’t have swapped our lives unless we wanted int on some level—“

“But that makes no sense!” Queenie burst out. “We were just having that conversation last night, how we’re both living the dream, how funny it is that our dreams are so different. Neither of us want the other’s life!”

“Wait,” said Credence with a frown. “What words did you use exactly?”

Queenie pursed her lips. “I said ‘you’re living the dream, honey’, and then Tina was like ‘so are you’. And then we started listing off each others’ achievements, I guess.” She shrugged at Percival apologetically. “I’m afraid we were laying on the mutual appreciation a bit thick.”

“Maybe,” Credence said, frowning in concentration. “Maybe it sounded like envy.”

Tina threw her hands up angrily. “What, and they didn’t think to ask, just jumped to conclusions?”

Credence scoffed. “Are you kidding? The fae make a living out of misunderstandings, and I do mean that literally. They can’t make anything themselves. That’s why they’re so envious of humans, so fascinated by them.”

“But I’ve seen you guys make things in the kitchen, you’re incredible, Credence.”

He turned his face away, jaw clenching. 

“Changelings are more complicated than that,” said Mal softly, twisting her fingers in her lap. “We aren’t like… baby fairies. The fae literally can’t make anything, they can’t reproduce. They exist, they’ve always existed, and it’s nearly impossible to kill one. We are… _were_ human babies stolen centuries ago. You don’t age in the Court. We were toddlers or babies or small children for ages. They played with us, spoiled us, petted us - but only when it suited them. Hundreds of years of being their pet, being twisted into something, anything that might please them, might… earn you some affection, even if it were just an amused pat. And then nightmares by yourself, trying to hide any hurt or tears or injury in case you became tiresome, because then they’d send you back. Swap you out for a new human child. Only your old family is long dead, and you’ve forgotten them anyway, and you’re a crooked freak who only knows how to do the weird things that please the fae.”

Mal’s voice was almost a whisper and as Credence grabbed her hand tight, tears fell from her wide eyes. Credence wrapped his arms around her and hushed, glaring at the others.

“I’m so sorry,” said Tina, her hand to her mouth. “That’s… that’s awful.”

Queenie wiped her own tears away and rounded the table to kneel by Mal’s chair, rubbing her back. “I wish I could fix this for you.”

“You already do.” Credence’s voice was still fierce, like he couldn’t imagine someone responding to his honesty with anything other than an attack.

“We have to fix it,” Mal said, her voice small and muffled in Credence’s shoulder. “This isn’t fair, not Queenie.”

“I think,” said Percival, "I may know who to ask.”


	7. Tina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My daughters helped me with the imagery in this chapter! And the idea of the changelings has also triggered off an entire original novel idea which is all planned out, so you know, maybe in a few years, I'll get to it lol!

Credence had thick oven gloves on both hands. He really should have looked ridiculous, but the iron fork slung over his shoulder and the vicious hard expression on his square jaw made sure any laugher died in Tina’s throat. 

Maledictus twitched at the other end of the clearing, her fingers flinching around a pair of salt cellars filled with a mixture of iron filings and table salt. 

Tina felt distinctly unprepared.

Captain Graves nodded at her and Queenie, then pulled a fine golden chain out from under his shirt. He took a deep breath and breathed against the tiny leaf pendant in the palm of his hand, speaking words she didn’t recognise on the long exhale. Then he let the necklace drop onto the floor and stepped back.

For a moment nothing happened. Then a pillar of light, like something out fo Star Wars, blazed in the dusk and resolved itself into a regal looking woman.

“Percy,” she said with a little smile. Her voice rang like a bell, echoing slightly around the clearing. “I was wondering when you’d call on me.”

He smiled and scuffed the back of his head. “I didn’t want to waste my last chance to see you.”

“I thought for amount you would use the call when you got shot two years ago.” her smile turned wry. “I should’ve know your own safety wasn’t important enough.”

She looked meaningfully at the sisters. Queenie waved, and Tina suppressed the urge to smack her hand down. The Captain made the introductions. “Queenie Kowalski, Tina Goldstein, this is Seraphina Picquery. My old partner, and now an immortal fairy princess.”

Seraphina snorted inelegantly. “Funny, Percy. I’m not a princess,” she explained. “But I am… well, part fairy now, or something.”

“You’re like us,” said Credence, his shoulders not quite up around his ears any more.

“A changeling, yes, I suppose I am,” she said. “Only less of a plaything, more of a tool, I suppose. A liaison between worlds.”

“Until they get bored and swap you out again,” Credence sneered.

Seraphina seemed unconcerned. “So be it. I’m adaptable.”

Credence relaxed his stance, but kept his iron bar up on his shoulder, resting it on the padded jacket. 

“We need to get hold of the fairy who swapped Tina and Queenie’s bodies,” said Captain Graves. “There was no contract, they never met them, and we think they must have misunderstood the sisters’ wishes.”

“We were congratulating each other,” Queenie burst out, her fingers tangled together. “We’re not jealous of each other, we don’t want each other’s lives. We’re just proud of each other.”

Seraphina looked skeptical. “Really? When and where was this?”

“The HoneyBee cocktail lounge in Harlem, yesterday evening.”

Her eyebrows rose. “And… you haven’t thought to explore each other’s lives? You’re done already?”

Tina laughed. “Are you kidding me? I can’t look after children! I suck at it, they make me so freaking nervous - no offence, Queenie —“

“None taken.”

“— and… again, no offence, but why would I want to explore the countryside and Hapsberg? I can come up some weekend when Jacob, Queenie and the kids can show me all the best places and I don’t have to pretend to be nice to all Queenie’s friends!”

“And the thought of trying to do Tina’s job is just terrifying - I can’t use a gun, and all the paperwork she has to do sounds desperately boring —“

“It is,” said Tina, Captain Graves and Seraphina all at the same time.

“— and Harlem itself is just… exhausting. you can’t just wander around in a daydream. And oh, God, I miss my babies so much. Please, please help us?”

Tina noticed Queenie’s eyes fill with tears and she quickly pulled her close. She tucked her face into her shoulder, and she stroked her disconcertingly straight hair. “It’s OK, we’ll sort this all out.”

“You really _don’t_ want this,” said Seraphina. “Usually even when people say they want to change back, they find there’s something they’d like to try - that’s how we make the bargain, after all. But you really wouldn’t be getting anything out of it.” She frowned at the ground, and then a sort of irritated realisation stole over her face. “Wait a minute. Tuesday night, Harlem?” She groaned. “No, I know exactly what happened. Come in closer. Uh, you two might want to stay here. From what I hear, changelings don’t react well to a second stint in the Court. It can be a bit—“

“Triggery? Horrific? Traumatic?” said Credence.

“…yes.”

“Cool,” he said. “Can’t wait. Mal, you gonna stay here and act as anchor?”

“Are you… I mean, I can come too, I’ll be OK.”

“Nope, a living anchor is always best. Isn’t that right, Madam Picquery?”

She smiled sadly at him, but he didn’t notice, pricking his finger with a knife from his pocket and smearing the blood over Mal’s palm. “You guys need to do it too.”

Tina smiled at the girl as she sped her own stinging cut against the last bit of bare skin. She noticed as she stepped back into the circle that Queenie had pulled one of Credence’s oven gloves off and was holding his bare hand, probably trying to pass off his trembling as her own. Her usual kind concern was jarring on Tina’s own stoic face, and she ached to have their lives put back as soon as possible. Queenie was needed, and this whole nurturing deal was not her thing.

Seraphina spread her fingers and spoke in words that Tina’s brain couldn’t quite grasp, like oil mixing with water. The little woodland clearing faded away and left… something else.

If Seraphina’s words skated over Tina’s awareness, the whole world now seemed to be trying to get the same sort of read on Tina. Her skin crawled in hot and cold waves, and psychedelic colours danced just at the edge of her vision, movement taunting her to turn her head, only to be faced with a still and innocent scene. The scents that assaulted her nose veered from cotton candy sweet to roast beef brisket, and her mouth flooded with saliva even as she felt nauseous from the wild changes.

Across from her, Credence had started to hyperventilate, his entire body trembling. Just as his knees gave way, Captain Graves stepped to he is side and held him close, speaking soft and calm into his ear. Queenie stroked his back, twitching every now and then, like Tina, as the strange visions poked at her.

“You OK?” the Captain said to Credence. “You’re doing so well, Credence, this has got to be awful for you.”

Credence nodded, his fingers tightening in Graves’ jacket for a moment before he pulled back. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about, my boy, you hear me?”

Credence frowned slightly, like he couldn’t figure Captain Graves out, but he nodded once more. “OK.”

“This way,” said Seraphina, tactfully not looking at him.

They followed her through the flickering landscape. Sometimes Tina thought it was a rainforest, then they were beside a wall of purple stone, steps cut into it and carpeted in red. Then in another step sand would crunch beneath her feet, and yet all the time, wherever she looked, there were strange, warped faces holding out trinkets. A Victorian pocket watch, a hank of hair, a glass ball that swirled with white smoke. And food, always the delicious food! Credence whimpered as a greenish hand held out a bowl of berries, then caught himself cringing and lunged at the figure, hissing like an angry cat. The fairy and the bowl of food vanished with a shriek and a wild giggle. Tina shuddered and swallowed her hunger.

The world flickered into a red and brown desert once more, and a voice yelled “You!”

Tina looked down. A fat lizard waddled towards them, tongue flickering. One of its eyes was white, the other a beady black. “Where is it?”

“E-excuse me?” she said, on the verge of letting all this hysteria out in an endless laugh. “Are you talking to me?”

The lizard leapt, and in its place a man - a fairy - leaned towards her, his spiked white hair trembling in rage. “How have you done it, eh? Where are the things you gave up?” He pointed between Queenie and Tina.

Credence snarled and stepped in front of them, his iron fork in the fairy’s face. The fairy jerked back, eyes wide and hands up. “Now, let’s not be hasty.”

“Gellert,” said Seraphina dryly. “You’d better have a good explanation for—“

“They tricked me,” he snapped. “They lied, they must have.”

“Or you didn’t listen,” said Queenie rage bubbling in her voice. Tina blinked over at her, and wondered if she looked like that when she was mad, and in her own body.

Gellert snorted. “You human women are all the same,” he sneered. “You want a career when you have a family, and you want babies even when you enjoy your job. I heard you, mooning over each others’ lives.”

Tina burst out laughing. “Oh my God! I thought we were dealing with a supernatural being and you’re just a garden variety misogynist! ‘All the same!’ Have you _been_ to Earth since the 1950s?”

He crinkled up his face in a snarl. “Where are the things you gave up in your envy? They should be here! A family for the girl who wanted the excitement of the city, a job for the girl who wanted to play house - you can’t have both!”

“We don’t _want_ both! You really think I’d give up my family for some job in the city, are you crazy? Harlem is terrifying!”

“I heard you! ‘You’re livin’ the dream, honey’.” His voice was a ridiculous falsetto, and for some reason he thought Queenie had a Louisiana accent.

“Yeah, she is. I said that. Cause she _is_. She’s living _her_ dream, and I’m living mine. And I want it back, damn you!” She pulled Credence’s other oven glove on and snatched the fork out of his hand, advancing on Gellert like an avenging angel. Tina hoped she looked that terrifying to the perps when she got her body back.

Gellert squeaked and fell backwards, scrabbling on his ass. “OK, OK! I’ll change you back. what’ll you give me in return?” His voice became slimy, greedy, and Queenie made a noise of disgust, lunging and grazing the skin of his neck.

“I’ll give you another of those, asshole!” she yelled, as he screamed and clutched the bubbling wound. Seraphina had stepped back with a gasp, and both Credence and Captain Graves looked horrified.

“You’ve killed me,” moaned Gellert, a black sludge dripping through his fingers and hissing as it touched the floor.

“You ain’t seen _nothing_ yet,” Queenie snarled. “Now I missed giving my babies breakfast this morning because you don’t understand the concept of being happy for someone without envying them, so I am _this_ close to impaling your scaly behind right here. Change us back, and I’ll take this fork home with me instead of lodging it firmly up your ass!”

A scarf dangled over Gellert’s face. “That’s cashmere,” said Graves, looking down at the fairy dispassionately. “Natural fibres help with healing, don’t they?”

He made a grab for it, and the Captain jerked it back. “Uh-uh. Queenie’s giving you your life in exchange for turning her and Tina back, just the way they were Tuesday night. No funny business. And I’ll give you this in exchange for safe passage back to Maledictus, for Tina, Queenie, Credence and myself.”

“That’s a steep price, human.”

“Is it?” He stepped back. “I suppose I’ll have to trade with Seraphina instead. Shame.”

“Ah-ah-ah! Don’t be hasty.” Another drop of ichor fell and he cleared his throat, wincing in pain. Tina could still hear a hissing, like steam escaping a kettle. “Very well. The scarf for safe passage for four, and the body swap reversal in exchange for you, crazy woman, taking that… _thing_ far away from me. I’m done with you anyway, this venture has caused me nothing but trouble.”

Maybe try listening then, huh?” said Tina as Queenie stepped back. Gellert waved a hand at them, muttering in that same oily language. Tina felt the world stretch and spin around her, like elastic untwisting. She had to squeeze her eyes shut, her stomach churning, and when she opened them again, her hand was sweating inside an oven glove and the world had shifted a pace to the left. 

“It worked,” breathed Queenie. She looked at her own manicured nails, her curls bouncing as she beamed at Tina. How she’d _missed_ her sister’s bright smile!

“The scarf, give me the scarf,” said Gellert, snapping his fingers at Graves.

“Send us back first,” snarled Credence.

“If I may intervene,” said Seraphina. “Let me hold the scarf until I see you safely returned to the clearing. Then I can give Gellert his payment.”

“How do we know—“

“It’s OK, Credence,” said Captain Graves, quieting him with a hand on his arm. “I trust Sera.”

He held out the scarf and she took it with a fond smile. “See you around, partner,” she said.

“Look after yourself, Lieutenant Picquery.”

She stepped back, and the four humans linked hands. Gellert rolled his eyes and spoke the spell to return them. The last thing Tina saw was Seraphina holding the scarf out to him.

Appearing back in the human world was almost as jarring as leaving it. Mal flung herself at Credence and Queenie, babbling about how happy she was to see them even as they retched and shuddered.

“You have no idea how good it is to have my own face back,” said Tina, squeezing Queenie close. “Your nose is cute as hell on your face, but how do you even cope with being able to see it in your peripheral vision?”

Queenie laughed and hugged her back. “I think I have a pretty good idea how good it is, actually.” She glanced over at the Captain, who was crouched next to Credence, speaking in a low, comforting voice. Credence was looking up at him, something like wonder in his usually suspicious face. “Hey,” she said, nudging Tina. “It does look like something good might come from the whole thing after all.”

Tina winced. “Queens, can we maybe avoid saying things like that while we’re still standing in a fairy circle?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAMF Queenie is my FAVOURITE thing, next to BAMF Credence! Thank you for reading my silliness, and if you're up for writing even the shortest little FBAWTFT fic, the Fantastic Beasts Calendar is looking for submissions on Tumblr! Keep it going ^_^ loveyoubye!


End file.
